Speaking and Communicating Podcast

I know it's here. Hello everyone. Welcome to the Speaking and Communicating podcast. My name is Roberta and I'm back with another episode where today we will be joined by Suzanne Mun. She is a life coach for a company called Future Female Entrepreneurs, but she's going to share more about what she does. So before we get started, let me hand over to Suzanne. Hi, Suzanne.
00:29
Yes, thank you, Roberta. Yes, so as Roberta said, I'm a life coach and blogger from Northern Virginia and I help women who feel stuck in life and really lack the clarity and confidence concerning their life purpose really. And so I love talking to women about finding out what their life purposes and how they can achieve any goals of theirs. And so
00:58
Future Female Entrepreneur is my podcast that I hosted for, but I'm super glad to be here on Roberto's podcast. So thank you so much for having me. We are glad to have you here. And I remember the first time that I contacted you, I saw you have this big background poster on your Facebook, which says, silence your inner critic. And that's what intrigued me. So I want us to talk more about that today.
01:25
because I think just about everyone I know, me included, we have this voice, this we called it Sigmund Freud. That's a term I heard from another friend of mine as well. This inner critic, just when you think, I want to venture into this, I want to try this, it always takes you back as, oh, no, you're not that good, you're gonna fail. So what exactly is this inner critic? Yes, so from...
01:52
My experiences and what I've learned, I like to see, I think the inner critic is really those voices in our heads when we, whenever, like you said, we're trying something new, those voices pop up and say to us our internal limiting beliefs. Like we're not, you're not good enough to go for this certain thing or this goal. You're not blank enough, essentially. You're not smart enough. You're not attractive enough. You're not...
02:21
young enough, you're not old enough, anything that really holds us back from going for what we want. And it's not surprising that that voice is there because it's protecting us from going into any harm or any kind of risk, but it becomes a problem when it paralyzes us into not taking any action at all towards our goals.
02:48
So then if you have the survival instinct part, so it sounds like it protects us, which is good, but then how do we distinguish and how do we make the distinction between, okay, right now it's protecting me versus right now it's stopping me from achieving my goal. Let me not listen to it. Exactly. So that's when it becomes important.
03:13
to discern where exactly that voice is coming from and whether it's based on fact or fear. So most of the time, I would say that our inner critics are based on fear because usually we're going into an unknown, especially in business. And we can try to figure out how the plan will go, like figure out all the details beforehand, but overall in general,
03:42
If it's something we've never done before, we can't always predict 100% of what's gonna happen. So usually I see it as our inner credit coming from a place of fear, whether it be fear of failure, which is really common, fear of making mistakes, fear of being judged by other people. Like, what is my family gonna think? What are my friends gonna think about me doing this? And also,
04:12
one that not as many people have might have heard of a fear of success where. That's an interesting one for me. The fear of success. If all of us are trying to be successful, so what are we afraid of? You know, for some people, fear of success comes from fear of having more responsibilities and fear of not being able to handle all of those.
04:41
responsibilities 100%. And yeah, that's really, I think the gist of it, like just, am I going to be handle everything that is thrown at me? And that kind of relates to the belief that I'm not good enough to be able to handle all of this responsibility as well. But that's what I like. That's what I see fear of success as like we want all of this to happen. But at the same time, it's like
05:10
can I really handle it? Because every course, every coaching program says, I'm gonna help you be successful. I'm going to help you be successful. So then what are we, that's the very thing we want. So when we hear, oh, some people are afraid of success, we think that's the thing that everybody wants. What are you talking about? So it goes back to the trigger of I'm not good enough to be able to handle the success.
05:38
I don't know if you know Puff Datties, he had a song called More Money, More Problems. The billionaire's responsibilities are much more so than responsibilities of somebody who doesn't have a billion dollar empire to be responsible for. So how can we then in the thing that we want, cause we want success.
06:03
How can we overcome that one particular fear? Because we do want success. Yeah, I think one way and this relates to silencing your inner critic as well. But I think one way to really silence those fears in general is to focus on your vision and your why. Because if you're not clear,
06:29
on exactly why you're doing all of this, it can be really easy to be overwhelmed with everything that might be coming and what you think might happen. And instead, if you're focusing, that's a lot of uncertainty to be surrounded by. And if you're only focusing on the uncertain things, the unknown, of course you're gonna get scared. You don't know what's gonna happen. So.
06:58
you should instead focus on, okay, what is in my control and what can I get more clarity on? What is my game plan going to be so that I have a general clear idea of what I'm supposed to be doing every day, every week, every month, in order to get closer to my goals. Instead of saying...
07:23
instead of not even knowing what the goal is, like first step, just know what it is, like, what is it that you want? What is the end goal that you want in a month or a year's time? And then once you figure that out, then you can work backwards and say, okay, well, what should I be doing? What are my next steps to work towards that? So when you talk about the fear of success,
07:51
Like I said, the irony is that that's exactly what we want. So the question becomes, what are we afraid of? If we have those goals and you say, okay, so make a list of things you are able to do and get clarity and so clarity might mean maybe help, you know, you know, I've got the skill, I've got this capabilities, but I need help in this section order for me. And then you talked about the wise. What are people's wise? And.
08:20
Are most people, are most of your clients clear on their why, why do they want success? And does success always mean money or the thing beyond the money, the after the money? What do you think the money is going to get me? Do people clarify those or everybody just thinks I want to make a hundred thousand dollars and it ends there? Because usually on the internet space, that's what you usually find is the case. Exactly. I think.
08:49
Most people I talk to, you know, at least the people around me, they're not exactly in the business space, in the personal development space. And entrepreneurship is a huge personal growth journey. You're constantly growing and changing so that you can achieve the next step, the next goal. You know, like you said, every bigger goal, every bigger responsibility comes with.
09:14
more problems. That's right. That's why entrepreneurs are we're problem solvers. And so anyways, like, so usually the people that I talk to, I say, you know, like, what are what's your biggest goal right now? And I would say about 90 to 95% of them will say I want more money.
09:40
I want more money, I want to travel more, but in order to travel, I need more money. And then I like to ask, okay, how much money do you want? How much money would it take for you to be, for you to consider yourself successful and for you to really do what you wanna do in life? And they'll be like, huh, I actually haven't thought that far yet.
10:06
Okay. And so they haven't thought about the figure of how much they like, like most people will just say like, Oh yeah, I want more money. But the reason the cycle continues of limiting beliefs and like, self doubt is because they like, we haven't gotten clear on like, what that figure is, like, you need to get really, really specific instead of just saying, Oh, yeah, I want more money. But
10:33
If you never specify how much money you want, it's always gonna be more and more money. Yeah, I got a thousand dollars, but I always need more. But it's like, if you say- The reason, what I was saying, they don't know what the money is going to do or fulfill. They think they have a void somewhere. So they don't know specifically what the money is going to fulfill in their lives. And that may be-
11:02
That could be the reason they don't know the figure. If you know, yes, sorry, Carol. Yeah, I think it's really important what you said. It's important to ask what comes after the money because usually people just stop at, yeah, I want more money, but it's like money is just a tool for us to get something deeper. It's really about asking, okay.
11:29
Exactly. Like what comes after the money? Well, if you say I want more money, okay, how can you get deeper? Well, I want more money so that I can spend more time with my family and have a really flexible schedule so that I don't keep missing my kids soccer games or I have more time for my health and exercise. And that's a much more concrete and
11:58
valuable, I would say, like, like it, your why, your reason for doing all of this should be tied to your personal values. And money is just one way for you to get those personal values. So if you value exercising a lot, it's important to focus on that rather than just the money part. It's like, like when you keep asking why it's because you want more time for your health and
12:27
exercise and that it's going to be a lot easier to go through the hard stuff in life, go through the obstacles in order for you to get that instead of when it gets hard, you're like, oh, I need to do this for the money though. But it's like money is not the important thing here. That's motivating. That's right. In fact, I wonder how emotions are, how are emotions tied to that?
12:57
Do they feel emotionally driven when they are more specific about the end goal or are most people just emotionally driven by I want more money? So I think your goals, you can make any type of goals and they can be driven by anything. But what actually works is when your goals are driven by pleasure rather than by pain. And- Say that again.
13:26
your goal should be focused more driven by pleasure rather than pain. Uh-huh. Yeah, and so this is like the whole another world of like motivation, discipline and goal setting. Yeah, but it's an interesting concept and I don't think it's one that most people get to hear. So if you'd like, please just elaborate on that. Yes, exactly. So this...
13:53
The first place that I heard this about was from Tony Robbins and it was that your why should be based on pleasure rather than pain. So one example would be if you were really emotionally hurt by a family member and you want to make more money, become more successful so that you can get revenge on that family member so that you can get back at them.
14:21
I have heard that. Have you seen those stickers on cars that says success is the best revenge against your haters or something? I'm like, do people really get driven by trying to prove to haters or these people they feel they have conflict with to say, I'm gonna be so successful to prove my bully wrong and to show them how much making mess
14:46
life miserable at school was the worst mistake. And do people really get driven by that? So I think you can be motivated by rage and negativity and anger in the short term. So rage can be really good. Like maybe when you're at the gym and you're just like,
15:08
cranking it out on the rolling machine and you're like, I'm so mad, like I wanna work out. Like it can be really, really good. But can get you results, yeah. Yeah, it's making you mad at the moment, but, and it's giving you like physically more power just to like crank it out. But the thing is that you can't be in that intense of a state forever for the longterm. Of course. Yeah, so eventually.
15:37
you're gonna simmer down, you're gonna return to a calm state, but of course you're still gonna be emotionally hurt. But if you wanna stay in this game for the longterm, you have to base your reason for going for that success, going for that money, because you wanna do it for you, not for anyone else. Because if you're doing something like that's pain-based and you're really mad at someone else,
16:06
In the end, that means that you're doing all of this for someone else. Like you're doing it to affect someone else instead of doing it for you. Yeah. Right. It should be self-based value, self-based motivation rather than making like being motivated.
16:31
to keep going because of someone else. It's- Prove a point, yeah. Yeah. You're living your life for yourself, right? Yeah, okay. I wanna touch based on that pain one. So that's the pain of rage, like you said, I'm proving to my haters and my bullies, et cetera. What about a personal pain that you are trying to eliminate using the money and the success?
17:00
Say you're taking care of your old parent who's got no one to take care of and, you know, caregiving costs a lot of money and your job doesn't pay you enough. So you need to change or do something different to increase your income so that you are able to take care of your old mother or something and the nursing that requires. So that is a pain, but it's not the revenge pain. Right.
17:30
Yes. So how is that different for those two types of pain, so to speak? Yes. So in my opinion, that's motivation based on guilt. And when you are striving for something based on guilt, that doesn't really work out so much in the end either. And so for me, the reason that I say this is because
17:59
Like personally, I've had experiences with all kinds of, all three kinds of motivational emotion-based goals. And so- Can you give us those three? Yeah, of course. So the first one was the revenge one based on like deep pain because of other people. So I had like a really emotional experience in middle school
18:29
this kid, one of my classmates, and I was really negatively impacted by it. And from that day on for like eight years, I was super mad at him. And I would go to sleep at night. Like, um, thoughts would like come to my mind. Um, and it was basically that he said something really mean to me. And I was like really young and sensitive at the time.
18:54
And so like those thoughts would come back and they were like motivating me at the time to become quote unquote successful so that I could rub it in his face and like get revenge and then blah blah blah. And it was really exhausting. And the guilt one was reminds me of when I
19:21
was really ashamed of my body. I had no body positivity. I hated my body. I hated my being in my own skin. And it reminds me of when, I think this is like common for a lot of people though. It's like when you start dieting, because you feel guilty about yourself. And so it's like, I'm eating the salad out of guilt. I'm drinking water out of guilt. Like it's healthy, but you're like,
19:51
eating and drinking the emotions away and like the sadness and all the guilt away and it doesn't feel good like that's also exhausting. So in that particular example that it's the guilt of feeling like my body's not the way well what's the can you this is interesting can you explain that more because a lot of people we we eat healthy and exercise because we you know health is number one. Oh yeah.
20:19
we want to do. So explain the guilt part. This is interesting. Yeah, I think it's when like people go on diets, but rather than saying, Oh, I'm going on a diet because I want to be healthier and I want to be able to move around and be happy. So that's pleasure based. Like that's the long term goal based on pleasure. Like that's what we should all strive towards. Yes.
20:45
But instead a lot of people go on a diet because they feel guilty and it's like, well, I have to get rid of this guilt. Like I feel crappy about myself, about my body. So I have to, I have to do this. I should do this. It's not because I wanna be happy. It's because I wanna get rid of the guilt. I've never heard it put it like that before. So if the emotion is negative,
21:13
that is tied to the why. That's the short, like you said, that's the short-term effect. That's the cranking at the gym, cause you mad. But it doesn't have, it will not sustain you long-term to keep going and working towards this goal. Cause the pleasure is, should be the ultimate long-term goal. Exactly. That's why diets don't work. Like that's why short diets don't work. It's like, yeah, I'll, I'll go on a,
21:43
diet, but it's like the ideal is that you change your lifestyle, bit by bit and small habits rather than trying to turn 180 your entire eating habits, drinking habits in order to be something that you're not. And it's like, is that when we do too much too soon on day one? Does guilt make us behave that way? If we're starting this new
22:12
that's going to lead us to success. That's when we do everything all on day one, you know, because tomorrow we must wake up and it should all be fixed. I don't know how guilt makes us behave.
22:26
I think it depends on the person. Like guilt, sometimes it could make you like start really strong. But for me, like I still start really strong if like no matter whether my goal is pain or pleasure-based like some people start strong in general. But I think the main point is that like you shouldn't base all of your actions on negative emotions like guilt and hatred.
22:54
but instead focus on how amazing you're gonna feel after you do the action. At the end. Yeah. This has been such an eye-opening session because we hear a lot of this terminology even from our favorite coaches and public speakers and motivational speakers. But I think that just breaking it down the way you just did today has been very eye-opening, much more elaborate. And I think
23:24
it's going to help us check ourselves why we are motivated to do what we do. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, like I wish I knew all of this when I was in high school, but of course, like took me couple of years to figure this out and just- Never too late to learn. Yeah, like I need to be patient with myself and not trying to force myself into a status quo that is constantly changing too. So-
23:53
Yeah. What do you think are the other triggers? Like, you know, like we were making an example with the bully and the haters and trying to prove, do we, do we do the work? Do we need to do the work that makes us go back and say, you know, why is it something at high school, my childhood, etc. That's making me have this goal and work towards it based on this pain? Or
24:23
Should we just think, you know what, I want to reach the end goal. This is my end goal. I want to reach it. Is it more effective to go back or do we, do we just start? We're starting today. Do we just start working? What's the goal and say, this is my ultimate goal. Let me work on this and just check if, is this based on revenge? Is it based on guilt? Is it based on pleasure?
24:51
Or should we do the necessary work to go within and go back and say, Oh, this is why, because my childhood, this is what happened. Is that necessary? I think you should at least definitely re-evaluate what happened in the past if it's still affecting you somehow to this day. And I think inner work is really important for everyone because
25:20
Like it's important to visit the past, but it's also important not to stay stuck there because if you stay stuck there, that's when like, if it starts to get to a point where you can't get out, like that's when you might want to start looking at therapy. Yeah, and it can get really hard. But I think in general, like it's important to reevaluate what happened in the past and ask yourself like, what is it about what happened in the past that's bothering you?
25:49
me right now. Right. So for me, it was whenever I get whenever I think about like, things that happened in the past, and I used to like blame the other people in the situations. But then, now that I started re evaluating like, what exactly happened, I started to look at it like,
26:15
Well, every situation that has happened in my life has introduced me to a new part of myself. And so I'm looking at, yeah. So I'm looking at it like, instead of saying, oh, like, why did that horrible thing happen to me? Why has this always happened to me? Like, you should ask instead, like try asking, okay, like, what can that teach me?
26:42
Like what exactly, and if it's something negative that happened, you can ask, what is it about that person or what they did that bothers me? Like why does their action bother me so much? And that will teach you- Why are you so triggered? Yeah. Yeah, and that will teach you so much about yourself. And learning about yourself is so fun. Like you just explore more about what you like, what you dislike, and so you can-
27:11
that will help you move forward instead of just saying, oh, past is a past, like I don't need it, just move forward. But then if you have things in the past that you haven't uncovered, like they will come back to bite you and they will affect all the things that you do in the present day. Like if you don't figure out why this thing happened and like what about it?
27:40
bothers you, it can come, it can just show up again in your life because you don't know like what the actual problem was. Because you just reliving that if it's not exactly. Yeah, it keeps it keeps showing up as you said. Thank you so much, Suzanne for helping us to silence our inner critic for distinguishing between
28:05
when it helps us on survival mode versus when it actually stops us from succeeding. But today, some of the things that I've been learning for the first time were the failure of success, which will confuse most people when they hear that, but you've clarified that very well because we all want success and being driven by the negative emotions of guilt and revenge versus and pain.
28:31
versus being driven by pleasure. Pleasure has a long-term effect and we can continue to work towards our goals if we are driven by pleasure. That is a lot that we have uncovered today and I'm sure that a lot of our listeners are gonna benefit from that. Now, before we go, please share with us where people can find you, your social media handles so that if they want to know more about your coaching program, they'll be able to reach you. Yes, so you can visit my website, Suzanne.
29:00
S-MUN.com or it might be SuzanneMUN.com without the S. SuzanneMUN.com. Yeah, so just spell the SuzanneMUN because the, Yes. Might not know the, yeah, the M-U-N. Yes, S-U-Z-A-N-N-E-M-U-N. And you can also just type that in to Instagram, my Instagram handle.
29:25
is with the S like my email, suzannesmun. I'm on Instagram. I love talking and connecting with people on Instagram. So feel free to reach out anytime. I'm really open to anyone, anything. Okay. So it's suzannesmun.com. That's the website. And the Instagram is suzannes.
29:54
M-U-N, that's your Instagram handle. Exactly. Awesome. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Suzanne. We really appreciate having you today here. Yes, thank you so much for having me, Roberta. It was so much fun. Thank you.