Speaking and Communicating Podcast

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the Speaking and Communicating podcast. We are very privileged today to have Ashley Schoborg, who is an exercise physiologist. She used to own a fitness studio that was mostly dedicated to women, to not only focus on improving their physical health, but mental and spiritual health as well. Before I go any further, let me welcome Ashley. Thank you so much, Roberta. I'm so glad to be here.
00:27
Thank you for being here. I'm very intrigued, especially with how you connect all of the mental, the physical, and the spiritual aspects to our body image issues. Now, the first question I have is, do you find that it's just grownups who suffer from body image issues or the younger generation as well? I would say both.
00:47
Absolutely, yes. It is a problem sometimes for kids, believe it or not, even as young as four, I hear about sometimes girls that young in ballet looking at their bodies already, feeling inferior. Yeah, and then a lot of times those things just follow people through their life. Boys and men do deal with this as well.
01:03
What do you think, especially at such a young age, what causes that? Why anybody would start having issues with body image, especially at such a young age? Yeah, I think at such a young age, it's really somebody in their life, whether it's kids or somebody they're interacting with, is telling them that something about them is not right. And it's bringing that to the forefront of their mind. Because they wouldn't think about that on their own, right? Especially at four, no. Absolutely, absolutely.
01:28
So if I'm a parent and my kid, my four year old comes home from ballet class saying something is wrong with their body because of what someone said, what are some of the things that I can communicate to them in order to minimize the significance of that? I would say, let's look at the bigger picture. If somebody is gonna say that to you, obviously they're hurting. Anytime somebody is saying something negative to you, but something that's attacking you and trying to make you feel bad, that's not something that's whole and happy with them themselves.
01:55
Right. And then I would say too, like, where did they learn that that is a bad thing? Saying somebody has some fat on their body. Where did you learn that that's a bad thing? When that voice is loud enough, is there a way that over time, as you grow up, that you can silence it, or is it something that you just continue to be triggered by? So I would say that depends on the awareness, how much awareness that person has of the thought. Like we were discussing a lot of times when the parents can be proactive about those conversations.
02:24
and talk to them and create that awareness and not let the child or do their best, of course, we're not completely in control here, but we do our best to have those conversations so the child isn't internalizing those outside voices and making them their own. So with children, it's tricky because they're not going to have a lot of awareness on their own thoughts as they go about their day, but the more mature a person becomes, the more they can create that awareness of what they're actually thinking. Is it fact?
02:51
And is it my actual thought to begin with? Because these sultating thoughts are not actually ours to begin with, they are always learned. If you are older, especially if you practice some of the techniques that help you become aware of your thoughts, you can actually start to sift and say, hello, you know what? I don't think this is me. Thank you for sharing goodbye and sift those thoughts through. But children are very susceptible, especially in this age of social media. I'm almost 46. When I was growing up, there was no social media.
03:19
There were no cell phones and therefore you did not have a lot of social outside influence on how you look, how you're supposed to feel about yourself. Do you have children? I do. I have a daughter. She's eight. Wow. What's her name? Her name's Lily. Lily. Is she at a stage where social media is starting to have an impact? Not social media, but she has come home to me. I want to say as young as seven, she's had a comment saying that people, I don't know if somebody made a comment to her.
03:46
or she was just hearing about people's bodies and she was insecure about her belly. And so we had a huge long discussion about that. And I made sure that she understood that whole situation. So she wasn't taking on those thoughts as hers, but no, so she's not into social media yet. Like that's definitely something that is on my mind and her dad and I are gonna be on the same page. He's the tech.
04:07
So I'm going to make sure that he's researching. There's so much that we aspire to. We want to feel validated and loved and seen and heard. We now live in a culture where the popular rich people are the ones that the majority of the population wishes. That's the kind of lives that they wish they lived. If I was 18 and I see that and I come home to my mom, you're my mom, so Ashley is my mom. And she says to me, oh, honey, you're fine. Your body is fine. But I want to be like that Instagram model.
04:35
who was married by the millionaire guy because he saw her on Instagram. How is it that you're gonna have an impact as my mom say to me, you know what? You don't have to ask, but you'll find you good enough just the way you are. Does that even work? I don't think so because you're kind of telling her or him what to think, what to do. And what I would suggest is ask more questions. I would say, well, why do you wanna?
04:57
Why do you think that having more money is gonna get you a man or significant other? When I ask questions, then understand clearly where they're coming from and then zoom out and talk about it. That's what I would say. So yeah, if they're saying, well, I feel like I need to look a certain way to get a man or, because again, like we were saying before, like just because somebody has a lot of money and they have all these cars and they have all this stuff, it doesn't mean they have a beautiful, connected, deep.
05:25
loving relationship. And it all depends on what you want. And that's what I say to her, look, if you want a relationship where you want somebody to want you for your body and in exchange for kind of a certain lifestyle, well, then that's the life you're going to have. But if you want something that's deeper and somebody knows you on the deeper level and it's more connected, these are the conversations that need to be had.
05:45
with the parents and the children. Because it sounds to me that could be one of the things that feeds into the body image issues. Oh, absolutely, yes. Because everybody just seems to all put together, looking perfect in the yard. They are all size zeros. They seem to have everything that everybody aspires to.
06:02
then it would make you start thinking, hey, wait a minute, if I look that way, I would be able to eventually manifest that kind of life. So when your clients come to you and they have body image issues, what do they say are some of the, when did they start? You know, it is so different for everybody. Sometimes it is at those very young ages. Sometimes it's the teenage years, but it's usually by the teenage years for sure. That's...
06:24
things start in it. And a lot of times they remember, sometimes it can be watching. Sometimes it's not even the parents saying anything, the mother weighing herself all the time, the mother's relationship with the food, or say the dad is commenting on their ice cream, or, you know, about, oh, well, don't eat that. You might gain weight, or I hear that all the time. Yeah. And even to like, sometimes it's doctors, they will feel shame around that.
06:47
It's a lot of different things. I feel so bad for parents right now hearing you say that. If I've eaten too many street things that day, my mom or my dad should be able to tell me, honey, you've had enough ice cream. But then you're saying I could interpret it to mean that my mom... No, some people have grown up with parents where they're going to be like putting fear into, don't eat that ice cream because you're going to gain weight. And they see that straight out, like that kind of a thing. And so your clients might have had those experiences from home.
07:13
and they grew up with that before they come to you. Do they say they have tried anything and it didn't work? Oh, they've tried everything most of the time. Like most of the time, my clients that have come to me, I mean, are you talking about things to change? To try and lose the weight now. Okay, to change the look of their body. A lot of times, yeah, yeah, because these, a lot of times what happens when people have these experiences.
07:36
then they get kind of tied into that diet culture, the fat exercise culture. So they've tried everything and that's where I was too. I mean, I did every workout under the sun. I've tried like every diet until I went and I kind of learned the science of all of that stuff. And then the mindset behind all of this stuff and, you know, how body image affects it and how the diet culture affects it. And it's just one big thing and it's different for everybody. And that's why I love doing consults with people actually, because we would sit down for about two hours and I would hear their story from childhood on. I want to know all of that.
08:06
stuff. For me to be able to coach them, I needed to know that information. Take us through the science of it. I mean, what the science of? Are you talking about the science of that loss or what are you referring to? Because it sounds to me like it's not just the eating. If they have tried different things, the spiritual aspect of it, the inner dialogue, what is the connection? If you can just take us through that. So I think there might be, I want to get clear on your question, because I think you asked me what's the science of it or. Yes.
08:34
First, let's talk about the science of it. And then later, if you can then transition to the connection between the outward physical aspect and what they mentally or spiritually is going on within that connection to that. Yeah, so the science of it, like there are different ways that people can do, I mean, really the biggest thing with exercise, you have to like what you're doing. Walking, whether it's rock climbing, yoga.
08:59
because this is the thing, they get stuck in these like fat exercise programs that are like, oh, this is the way, it's the golden way, the only way. And it's just like, again, you have to look at, if you want your body to look a certain way, then you wanna lose weight and you wanna keep it off, you have to eat in a way that you're gonna eat that way forever, or at least something very similar. People will go on these diets and then they think, oh, I'll figure out maintenance later. No, maintenance has to be built in. But...
09:24
when you're on these fad diets too, they're not tailored around you and your physiology. You need to learn how to eat in a way that is gonna stabilize your hunger, stabilize your cravings. So you are able to be satisfied throughout the day and not eating more calories than your body needs just because you're craving, because of the types of foods that you're choosing to eat. Yeah, so there's a lot of science that goes behind that stuff, but really it's about tailoring it to you, because what works for your best- It's not on a one size fits all, that's why diets don't work. Exactly, exactly. Yeah.
09:53
You have to tailor it to you. And that's why like your best friend could be doing something that could work great for them. And you can probably force yourself to do that for a while. But if it's not really a good fit for you, eventually you're going to need the support of power. And that's a normal human thing to have happen. And that's a whole other discussion. People will do that and then they feel like a failure. They feel like they're the failure.
10:11
It's like, no, your plan just got you up to fail because it wasn't tailored to you. And eventually, that's the scientific explanation for why they sometimes don't work. And then what about initial teenage years seed that was planted for you to feel a certain way about your weight, body image that then takes you to adulthood? Yeah. So we can look at that from the two extremes. So a lot of times what happens is people are on one extreme or the other with this. And so I was...
10:38
the perfectionist type where these thoughts of my body motivated me to work out, work out, work out, diet, diet, diet. And again, I would lose weight and then it would rebound because it wouldn't stick. Right. But the idea is the perfectionism fueled me to do these behaviors. Other people, it can have the complete opposite of where they have this shame that is making them want to crawl in a hole and be like, I don't want to work out today. I'm already gross. Like, does that make sense? It's kind of all right. I'm just going to eat that cookie because I already feel gross.
11:07
I think the perfectionist one is also not exactly positive. No, it's not. No, no, that's the thing. Both are still motivated by shame. It's just that one side, the shame motivates them to do nothing, and then the other side, the shame motivates them to try all the things. Is there something that people can do in order to start working on this in a way that connects them to the inner self so that they are able to not only work on the physical, the exercise and the diet, but...
11:35
but still that it goes deeper. We have two separate things. Most of it is rooted in the body image piece, right? My body has to look a certain way for me to be worthy and then how that affects our food and exercise behaviors. And then we also have the diet and the diet culture and the fat exercise culture affecting the way that we think about food, all or nothing, right? I'm on the wagon, I'm on the wagon. So, and so those two things, when they're together, the body image being the root, like my body has to look a certain way and then the relationship with food and exercise.
12:05
So it's really looking at both of those things. It's really, and this is why it's hard because unless somebody's there pointing this out to you, sometimes people don't see it. They feel a certain way, they think a certain way because of what they've been told, but it's hard to see it in a different way if you are not presented with that other way of looking at it. Does that make sense? That's all you've been exposed to. Exactly, again, that's like part of what I do within my social media now.
12:32
is really helping to create this awareness so people understand what's going on so then they want to work on it. So what are some of the things that you can share with us today that people can start doing?
12:43
if they feel a certain way, if social media influences them negatively on how they view themselves and their bodies, what are some of the things they can do in order to start working towards feeling much better about themselves? Yeah, so if we're talking about social media specific, I would really go through your social media and look at what you're following and say, does this make me feel good?
13:02
Is this helping me to do the best version of me? That's just so powerful because we have to really look at what we're letting into our mind every day, if we're on social media every day. And like, as we said earlier, social media can be such a...
13:16
if you use it the right way. The Victoria's Secret models are the ones with millions of followers. A lady in my neighborhood who does charity work has less than 500. Sure. She's not seen by a lot of people. Her work is not influencing a lot of people because she's only got 500 people following her. How can we just ignore that noise? Yeah, so for me, what I say, and this is easier said than done, but from the journey that I've been on and now that I-
13:42
this deeper place within myself and awareness of my life and my life purpose here. That brings someone so much more joy and fulfillment to their life than focusing on what somebody that has a million followers is doing. Does that make sense? Yeah. Right. I think as an adult, it's easier. I'm thinking of these teenagers who are now 18 and starting to sign up for Facebook and Instagram accounts because those who they tend to follow. Yeah. Yes. And I think that's where the parents come in and like the best we can continue.
14:11
conversations asking our children, hey, what, cause it's tough when they're 18, 19, like you're not going to continue looking at their, at their stuff. Like there comes that point where you're just not going to do that anymore, obviously. So yeah, just educating them. Be like, this is what's going on in the world. This is what is happening to your peers. If you're not using the social media responsibly and let's talk about it, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it.
14:32
Do you have anything you can share with us on how we can communicate with ourselves with all these outside noises? What do we tell ourselves, especially when it comes to how we view ourselves? Yeah, we first of all, we want to create that awareness around our thoughts. So if we have we're having a negative thought instead of literally just taking it for face value and believing it, say, you want to look at that thought and say, first of all, is this even true? How do I know it's true? Yeah. And where did this thought come from like that? So start doing that work of figuring out where it came from and working to.
15:02
to release it. And over time, you'll notice that you'll have less of those thoughts, but they're not going to go away completely. But the more, the better you become at getting in the habit of looking at your thoughts and kind of noticing that your thoughts aren't really actually your thoughts. Cause like we said earlier, any of these negative thoughts that we have going on our head are not our deeper spiritual essence. Like they have, they have been put in our head from some external source, whether it was media, family, people we met in our life, something that's not.
15:31
So question your thoughts, be aware of them, and even ask whether what I'm thinking right now about myself is true. Yeah, and where did that come from? We like a tape that just keeps playing every day. We're on autopilot. We didn't even think we have so much to do, so much to take care of. We don't even take the time to think, what am I thinking and why is that? Where did it come from? Is it even true? Yes, exactly. Does journaling help with that?
15:56
Oh yeah, that I'm so happy you brought that up. So it's funny, because I'm not like a typical journaler, like I don't have a journal, but I will do writing meditations as I call them on my computer. So if I have something that's bothering me and I can't figure out why, or I'm trying to get to the root of something, I'll literally just write on my computer, I'll ask a question.
16:15
going on and then I just keep writing until I come to... Something comes to the forefront. That's right. I've done that exercise as well. Yeah. So I love that. I do that pretty frequently, actually. Is there anything else you'd like to share with our listeners? Is there a specific area you'd like me to touch on? I want us to just touch a little bit on boundaries before we close. Not only do I feel like that's relevant to what... When people say things to us, if there are boundaries, if we
16:45
but it can help curtail some of the negative stuff they might be feeding into us. Yeah. What do you think of that? Yeah, so I always talk about boundaries as being part of the self-care, part of self-love, one of those components. Yeah, I mean, boundaries with thoughts, boundaries with other people. And again, it always comes back to awareness and checking in with our body. You know, and it's interesting, I'm dating this guy right now and he knows my thing is sleep and his thing is food, but I invited him out and he's like, you know what? My body is just telling me that...
17:14
need to stay home today and I need to rest. And of course, I totally honor that, you know, but being able to be aware of that and communicate those things to people and but of course, you are not in control if somebody else doesn't respect your boundary. Like, yes, you teach people how to treat you. Absolutely. I had he said my body feels that it needs to stay home. But I need to please my girlfriend Ashley and go out against my body's wishes.
17:43
He would have had then proven that he doesn't have healthy boundaries. Right, right. And this is why like exploring that self-worth work is huge with boundaries. Because if we're not living in our self-worth, it's really hard to establish those boundaries and stick to them. Because it's easy for people to kind of talk us out of them and you know. When you don't have them, you're just blown by the wind in every direction. Absolutely. Yeah. And then people are tired and, or sometimes emotionally exhausted too for a lot of people.
18:12
Like a lot of women who are people pleasers, it's exhausting. It's like a society, not demands, but society expects us women to be people pleasers because we're the nurturers, we're the ones taking care of everybody else. And then it does feed into this people pleasing persona that we develop as we grow older. So establishing healthy boundaries is usually a challenge more for women than men. I mean,
18:35
I know there are men who have that as a challenge as well, but I feel like we suffer from it the most. I'm happy you brought that up because that was something we would always talk about in the studio as well, because if you think about it, if you are just people pleasing all the time and you're draining your energy in this way, where is your energy to focus on your physical self, to get your workouts in, to make yourself a healthy meal, to make sure you're sleeping or meditating or whatever, there's no energy and time left over for you.
18:59
So that's why we actually talked about a lot of those things, not even just body image related, but also overall and how it affects your life and how you're prioritizing certain habits and it's all intertwined. This has been such a transformational discussion, Ashley. Thank you so much for being here today. But before we go, you need to share with us where we can find you, your social media handles, your website, so that they've been able to find the kind of help that they need.
19:25
That would be wonderful. So my business is actually called Live From Your Soul because it has that spiritual perspective and it's about helping women take their worth off their body. Could get rid of that voice in your head that's telling you your body has to look a certain way for you to be worthy, for you to feel good enough.
19:39
work on getting rid of that so we can have a healthy relationship with food, exercise, not be thinking about our body all day. So that's kind of what my business is about. So you can find me. My website is called L F Y soul.com. So short for live from your soul. L F Y S O U L.com. Yeah. I'm going to have the links to my Instagram and also I'm starting a brand new online community through mighty networks. Not sure if you're familiar with that, but it's like a Facebook group, but external.
20:09
kind of thing. Okay. So super excited about that. And all the, all the links will be on the website. If you struggle with body image issues, if you struggle with boundaries, if you struggle with that inner voice, that is still negative based on whatever childhood experience you had, you know where to find Ashley's showbook. Thank you so much, Ashley for being with us today. All right. Bye. Bye.