Speaking and Communicating Podcast

All the healings that I did not happen on the top of a mountain at sunrise.

They happened in the darkness of myself when I was in a hotel room, allowing myself to feel, allowing myself to cry, allowing myself to scream into a pillow.

The healing happens when you're ready, no matter where you are.

You do not have to go anywhere.

Welcome back to The Speaking and Communicating Podcast.

I am your host Roberta Ndlela.

If you are looking to improve your communication skills, both professionally and personally, this is the podcast you should be tuning in to.

Communication and soft skills are crucial for your career growth and leadership development.

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Now, let's get communicating.

Now, let's get communicating with Samantha Jones Darling.

Joining us from Florida, she is a spiritual teacher, a shamanic healer, and author of four books who had her own Eat, Pray, Love moment for eight years.

And with all the lessons she learned from traveling around the globe, she is here to teach us so much about how we communicate with ourselves, how to heal our inner child, and how to create the loves that we love.

And before I go any further, please help me welcome her to the show.

Hi, Samantha.

Hello.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's such an honor to be here.

We are honored that you've joined us.

Welcome.

It's our pleasure that you are here.

Please introduce yourself to our listeners and viewers.

Well, you did such a great job.

So I am Samantha Jones Darling, and I am a four-time author.

I am a spiritual teacher and wellness mentor, and a world traveler, an aspiring movie maker.

I like to say that I'm a teacher and a mentor first.

I'm an artist always, and on my best days, I'm a healer of hearts.

That is so beautiful.

Now, I always wonder when people, it seems like you have found what was your calling.

When you were growing up, was this what you envisioned for yourself, or how did it come about?

You know what?

It was not what I envisioned for myself.

And to be honest, I was so disconnected from my own inner voice and my own communication, and that it took me about 42 years to realize that I am a writer and a teacher and a storyteller.

My childhood was very dark.

There was a lot of abuse and a lot of trauma that resulted from the experiences that I lived in.

The most challenging for me was actually getting my voice shut down.

So I have spent the better part of the last 10 years healing and using all the techniques that are in the book that we're going to talk about to let go of everything that isn't mine.

So I could connect to my inner voice and hear my own self speak and hear my own self think and hear my own directions of where to go and what to do.

So in that respect, I'm a late bloomer.

It's never too late.

And we are so glad that you're here because I think there's so much that you're going to share that's going to help us reflect on our own as well.

But here's the question.

You said that you had a dark childhood.

I think that a lot of the time some of us are afraid to be silent, reflect on that.

That's why we keep busy, because we don't want to look at that.

It's too painful.

It's too hard to look at.

How is it that you had the courage to do so?

Well, frankly, I had no other choice.

I had to look at what was happening because my life had gotten so chaotic and so uncomfortable and so out of my realm of being able to handle what was happening, because as many of your listeners will know, that when you grow up in a challenging environment, you then take those same habits and you turn them on yourself.

And so the very first thing that I had to do was stop hurting myself.

And that was the first step of coming into my own voice that I needed to do, was to listen to the chaos and sit with it and say, okay, what do I do with this chaos?

Right.

And so that is actually where I began the process of learning how to let go.

And so I let go of the bad habits that I had, the over consumption, over working, over spending, over just everything over.

We put so much, as you said, the distractions and we stay busy, right?

And we stay busy and we stay full.

And we put things in our bodies, in our minds, in our souls, in our closets, in our cars, everything to soothe ourselves, right?

We're just constantly inputting.

And I'm American and we are the best at that, right?

We're so good at consumption.

And it's a beautiful thing because entrepreneurship is a beautiful thing and leading is a beautiful thing.

But when it's gone too far, it can hurt you, right?

And so that's what I was doing.

I was overdoing things, overworking, overachieving, overvalidating, but just getting everything I could from everywhere else.

And when it all started to implode on me, which was very interesting, because at the time I was financially extremely successful, everything in my life on the outside had looked exactly as it's meant to look in the American dream.

I had a handsome husband, we had houses, we had cars, we went on vacations, we had very successful business, we had money, we had everything, but we had no connection.

We had no love, we had no softness, we had no patience, and we had no compassion for ourselves.

And so my ex-husband and I'm speaking, we were both in such dark places from the childhood experiences, and we both did the same thing, and we used our pain to create something beautiful out of it, but we never stopped to look at our pain.

And so when it all came to a head, and we were trying to look at our pain and trying to figure things out, it was really hard.

It was really hard.

And so that is the moment when I finally surrendered to the fact that I don't know, I didn't know, I didn't know where to turn, I didn't know what to do.

And so that's when I surrendered and asked for help, and went to treatment to deal with the overconsumption and the extreme depression and the anxiety and the fears and everything that I had.

And I went to treatment in Malibu, and my first book is about that.

It's called The Sunset on Malibu.

The end you fear may just be your new beginning.

And I did fear going there.

I was ashamed and I was embarrassed, and I didn't tell anybody what I was doing.

In fact, I even lied to a couple of my friends and said that I was going to a wellness retreat or something like that, because it was wellness retreat.

So it was a little lie, but it was still it was a lie.

It was 100% a lie.

And I didn't know what was going to happen when I got there.

I just knew that I needed to take some step to get help.

And I was prepared for whatever the results were.

Right?

If they had said, Samantha, you're a raging alcoholic, and this is what you need to do.

I was prepared to take that diagnosis.

I was prepared for whatever happened.

And the beautiful part is when I got there, it was very difficult to go and I was very much alone.

But the people in those places, they've been where you are and they were very helpful and very kind and very compassionate.

And showed me right in the beginning how to be a healer to ourselves and to each other.

So from day one of me is taking a step towards myself of becoming a healer, I was also learning how to help others as well.

It's interesting that you say you and your ex-husband were very successful because that's the first thing when we grow up, that's what we strive for.

That's what we go to college and entrepreneurship for.

When I have that level of success that you just described, then the question is, why would anybody in that situation thinks something is wrong with my life because I have success?

Yeah, because there's a lot of things that happen behind closed doors that nobody witnesses.

And I don't want to talk too much about that because I find that it's best if I keep my stories to myself.

But I don't want to promote voyeuristicness of people's pain.

But I will say that the things that happened behind closed doors were I was extremely lonely.

I was extremely abandoned emotionally.

I was being emotionally abused.

I was being physically abused.

I was in fear a lot.

And I was covering up what was happening.

And so I was under extreme stress of carrying secrets.

Secrets are the things that make us very, very sick.

And I'd been carrying secrets since I was a little girl.

So I was very good at it.

But it just kept getting heavier and heavier and heavier and heavier.

And then within that, as I'm watching my partner struggle and fail and be more angry and blame me more and blame the outside more, it was just such a toxic environment that even with the stability and the structure and the beautiful things that we created, it was still a terrible environment that we had created together that was hurting both of us.

I do honor you for sharing that, and I don't want us to disrespect your experience by sharing too much.

But because I find that I'm almost 50, so I have friends who've been married for over 20 years.

And I remember one of them, because I asked her, she's American as well.

And I said to her, when you were going through these things, did you ever have a friend or somebody you could bounce notes off and say, is this happening to you too?

Because this is happening to me.

She said, nobody.

And I was like, what?

Because I'm African and we talk.

So how do you come to a situation where if you go through so much, you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to?

Is it a cultural thing in America?

Well, it is.

We are very avoidant of our own feelings.

And that's a generational thing that's happening.

And I don't know how much you or your audience knows about the different attachment styles that we have, but my country, my community, the world that I have spent most of my time in is very avoidant of their feelings.

They don't want to sit with them.

That's why we work so hard over here.

That's why we put success at the top, right?

Because if you're avoiding your feelings and you're making money, that's the pillar of success in this country.

And honestly, what I'm here to do is help to bring people back towards the middle a little bit.

Because yes, financial success is beautiful and having all the stability and safety that we need, that's important.

But what's also important is having deep connections with ourselves and with each other.

And that was what was missing in every part of my life, which is what brought me home to myself and brought me to the healing journey that I have been on for 10 years.

And how did you start on this journey?

So after being at the Wellness Center, how did you decide that the next steps are going to be these ones?

When I first started, there was a little habit that I picked up or came to that I still use today.

And when I had moments of clarity, when I had moments of joy, when I had moments of, oh man, I am definitely doing the right thing, I signed up for more.

At day 15, I signed up for 90 days.

At day 45, I signed up for six months.

At six months, I signed up for a year.

And I put my money where my mouth is, and I committed and I stuck to it.

And I bought myself more good in those moments of good, because I knew that I would show up if I had paid for it already.

Betting on yourself, they call it, yes.

Exactly.

The seed was planted and you just kept going and you kept watering it.

Yes, as I started traveling the world after that, when I was doing more healing of my soul and everything that we go through and just learning, and then seeing, oh, I need to let that go, and oh, that's very American of me, or oh, that's very toxic of me, or oh, that's very whatever of me.

We travel because that is a mirror that shows us who we are, the good and the bad.

As I was traveling, I was learning who I was, seeing myself through different perspectives and saying, okay, I'm going to keep this and develop this and keep this strength and go with it, and then also I'm going to let this go.

And so every time I did that, I would meet a new healer, and every room I came into, they said, Samantha, do you know you're one of us?

And I said, yes, I keep hearing that.

And they said, come, come, come in.

And I sat and they would show me what to do for myself, and they would teach me as they were going.

And I have goosebumps right now thinking about it.

And it was just so beautiful because every continent that I was in, I did healing.

And I can tell you, my world travels by what I healed in each place that I went to.

Wow.

It sounds like an eat, pray, love moment.

And I remember when the book and the movie came out, I read the book and saw the movie as well.

It sounds like the feedback that people gave Elizabeth Gilbert, which was, this all sounds fantastic, but I don't have money to go traveling for a year.

I have a job.

So if somebody is listening and they're thinking, is this the only way that they can heal?

If they're only capable of being in America right now, or being in South Africa, is there something that they can do in the meantime at home?

You know what?

I'm so glad that you asked me that question, because 100 percent, I've been wanting to answer this and let everybody hear this.

All the healings that I did not happen on the top of a mountain at sunrise.

They happened in the darkness of myself when I was in a hotel room, allowing myself to feel, allowing myself to cry, allowing myself to scream into a pillow.

The healing happens when you're ready, no matter where you are.

You do not have to go anywhere to heal.

You do not have to buy a plane ticket.

You do not even have to go to church.

All you have to do is look within and sit with yourself and say, I am ready to let this ish go.

How can I do it?

And your body will tell you.

If your body doesn't speak up, that's okay.

There are books like the one I just wrote.

That you can get to help you out, right?

There's YouTube channels, there's all kinds of things.

The medicine is available to you when you are ready.

All you have to do is sit still and allow it to be.

And the book you wrote is, I am ready.

Let's let go.

You want to let go of the pain so that you can then start to live the kind of life that you love.

This letting go part, I think is one of our biggest challenges.

How do we let go of the pain?

And please don't cut that whole, oh, if you don't forgive, the other person is like, you're taking poison.

We've heard that a million times.

You know, it's funny, after I wrote the whole book and finished it, I was like, did I even talk about forgiveness?

I'm not sure that I did.

We don't need to hear any more about that.

What we need to understand is and what the title of the book is, I am ready.

Let that ish go.

And obviously, it's a play on words, right?

Let it go, okay?

And we don't know how to let go.

And that was one of the biggest struggles that I had, was learning how to let go.

We have ruminating thoughts, we have heaviness in our chest, we have digestive issues, we cannot sleep, we cannot move, we are over consuming, we are eating, we are drinking, we are spending time in the wrong places with the wrong people, right?

All of these things are keeping us in the lives that we're in, where we're comfortable.

But letting go opens up the space for us to have more freedom, for us to have more choices.

And that can be terrifying for people.

That can be very terrifying when you are used to just the status quo, right?

Or maybe you are an avoidant person and you're avoiding life.

Maybe you're an avoidant person and you're avoiding the love that you really want with the relationship that's right in front of you.

There's so many ways and so many things to let go of.

We could talk for days about how many things there are to let go, right?

But the techniques of how to do it are actually much more simple.

And that's one of the themes throughout my book.

That healing is a lot more simple than we understand it to be, because our minds allow the fear to get in there and convolute the solutions that the creator of this planet, whatever you call that, whatever you believe, something created this planet, and whoever that was, whoever that entity is, made it very easy for us.

And everything that we need is right in our bodies.

We just have to listen to it and actually take the steps to do it, rather than allow the fear to freeze us.

Allow the fear to freeze us.

But talking about the brain, it's supposed to keep us safe.

That's why, for instance, with trust issues.

If I know you've hurt me before, it's gonna be hard for me to trust you again.

Because I now have a testimony of what you're capable of doing.

Well, that's the moment when we have to let go of the bad habit.

If we know that this person is not trustworthy and we continue to have a relationship with them or we continue to try to trust them, we are the ones that need to let go.

It's not their problem, it's our problem.

If somebody has proven themselves to be untrustworthy, this is now the time for you to use your discernment and let go of that relationship.

Because I know before we would have been told, oh, forgive, of course.

And walk away with grace.

That's exactly what we do.

We forgive and walk away with grace.

Walk away with grace.

And then the part about giving yourself grace, what do you mean?

How does that play out in real life?

That is when you put your grandmother hat on and you are sweet and loving to yourself.

That's what grace is.

It's grandmother love.

It's kindness.

It's cookies and milk.

It's naps.

It's movie days.

It's going to the park and getting ice cream.

It's riding your bicycle.

It's being lovingly held by yourself.

That's what grace is.

It's saying, oh, baby, it's okay.

You didn't know any better.

Don't worry.

It's okay.

You're just learning, right?

It's that loving voice.

So put your grandmother hat on and put your grandmother voice on, and men, you can do this too.

You could do this too.

It's not just for women.

Your grandmother's voice of love lives in your heart.

Let go of the supposed to's and the should's and the outside voices so you can hear her.

I really want that grandmother voice.

Now, the problem is you have social media, you have this whole hustle culture.

I remember somebody saying, oh, if you have time to watch Netflix, you have time to start a side hustle.

It's almost like we're not supposed to even enjoy our downtime because something's always got to be done.

Something's always got to be done.

Otherwise, you feel guilty that I'm not being productive, that my life is not progressing.

Because social media has given us a glimpse into everybody's life.

And so when we see that snippet, we always think, am I getting left behind?

Am I getting left behind, Samantha?

I want that grandmother voice.

I want to be graceful and kind to myself.

But when I try to do that, I'm going to have that whole social media telling me, stop the side hustle.

You can't afford to sit down.

You can't afford to rest.

You can't afford to watch Netflix even for 15 minutes and enjoy yourself in an ice cream.

Do this, do that.

You must always be on the move.

And so you feel like you're getting left behind.

Yes.

And the thing is, America's biggest addiction is productivity, and we are infecting the world with it.

And it is because of exactly what we were talking about before, because we are avoiding our own emotions, and we use that to be productive.

And social media has, again, given us an avenue to take that really, really too far.

And here's the other thing, too, that I want to bring into this conversation is that we, as humans, we are here to be storytellers.

This whole social media where everybody is able to be the star of their own show, that's the good part.

We are meant to do that.

We're meant to do exactly what you and I are doing right now.

Share our stories, share our hope, share our wisdom, connect and smile at each other and love each other and share stories from across the world.

This is what we're supposed to do, right?

We are in it.

We are doing it.

But we have to do this with imbalance, right?

When we're done today, what are you going to do when the computer turns off?

This is where we have to, again, be the parent of ourselves and bring that grandmotherly love in.

Because if you worked all morning, your grandmother will come in and say, girl, you worked enough, let's go play.

Right?

We have to say these things to ourselves.

We have to embody the balance that we crave.

Instead of getting swept away by the ocean of productivity and drowning in it, we must play in it and then come sit on the sand and the umbrella and build a sandcastle and take a nap and have a lunch.

We must have both things.

Ride the waves of life, surf the waves, enjoy the getting thrown over, but then also come home to yourself and rest and sweetness and creativity and make a picnic and make it beautiful and hang string lights and build things and create things and enjoy, as you just said, enjoy because this is where we are out of balance.

We have got the masculine side of things locked in.

We know how to build, we know how to create, we know how to produce, we know how to make money.

What we don't know how to do is let go enough to rest, to relax, to feel our feelings, and to love each other.

This is why I am here speaking about all of this.

This is the thing that I want to talk to everybody about is be productive, enjoy that.

But also now let's create some space for this other softness that we are desperately missing, and this is why our country and our world is basically on fire from the inside out, because we have lit all these fires and we have no softness, we have no peace, we have no rest, and we must get into it.

We certainly must.

The funny thing is we know how to be the grandmother voice to our friends, our loved ones, but for some reason, there's always this mental block when it comes to doing it for ourselves.

It's so true.

It is so true.

And I'm a perfect example of that.

When I first started, I had to think, what would I do if Betty was here?

That was my best friend.

And I would say, what would I say to Betty?

And the thing is, all of these skills, it's part of building your spiritual six pack, right?

The same way that you go to the gym for your body, you must go to the gym for your emotional and spiritual soul.

And so we build that muscle.

And every single one of us, we are spiritual athletes.

We were born with the muscles that we need to do these things.

Some of us were born already athletic.

Some of us need to train, right?

But we are all capable.

We all have this.

And so you have to practice and say, what would I say to my best friend?

Or what would I say?

And pull that voice in on you.

But that's actually a beautiful thing to be able to witness yourself from the outside and use that voice as needed.

Because we are here to have many voices and use many voices and being able to go from one to the other.

Is a sign of emotional strength.

And one last thing, if we feel there's something we want to heal, we have this hole in our hearts.

What is some of the things that we can do while at home, if we don't have the opportunity to have the travel adventures that you've had?

Well, this is actually the fun part, if you allow it to be.

And so you're going to want to sit down and close your eyes and imagine and remember and experience, what did you like to do when you were a child?

What did you want to do when you were a child that you didn't get to?

These are the answers to filling your heart, to filling your soul, to healing.

Because healing lies in letting go, but it also lies in playfulness.

It also lies in creativity.

And when we play and we create and we enjoy, that's where the true healing is.

We also balance that out with some crying and some journaling and some healing and some purging and some detoxing, right?

Because what we put into our body has such an effect on us, whether it's television or social media, the people were around the places that we go.

If they are intense, if they are chaotic, if they are toxic, lessening that is the first free thing that you can do, right?

Letting go.

And then after that, and like I said, and balancing it out with what goes in your heart, what goes in your eyes, what goes in your mouth.

Is it food from the earth?

Or is it food that somebody made from chemicals?

Are you spending time with somebody who loves you with the grandmother voice?

Or are you spending time with somebody who's harsh on you and a taskmaster and is always judging your productivity?

These things matter.

Choose with discernment your playmates and your playgrounds.

Choose with discernment.

Words of wisdom from Samantha Jones Darling, the spiritual teacher, author of I Am Ready, Let That Ish Go, who helps us heal ourselves, our lives, and our lineage.

This has been such a pleasure and we've learned so much.

Thank you, Samantha, for being on our show today.

Thank you so much for having me.

It was my pleasure.

Mine as well.

Would you like our listeners to reach out to you and where?

Yes.

If you like to follow me, the best way is on Instagram at Samantha Jones Darling.

And I also have a special place for my books on a page called I Write Books That Heal to make it very clear what we're doing.

You can find me in both of those places on Facebook as well.

And then of course, if you want to check out my whole collection and learn a little bit more about me, you can go to my website at Samantha Jones darling.com, where you will find my group coaching, my individual coaching, which are all available online and in-person depending on where you're located.

Samantha Jones Darling on Instagram, I Write Books That heal.com and Samantha Jones darling.com.

Thank you very much for being on our show, Samantha.

Thank you.

Thank you for joining us on The Speaking and Communicating Podcast once again.

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