Speaking and Communicating Podcast

Nine times out of 10, you're worthless.

You're not focused on the positive.

You're focused on all the negative naysayers that was in your life, and that's what happened to me.

I was very external with what I believe of myself.

Welcome back to the Speaking and Communicating Podcast.

I am your host, Roberta Ndlela.

If you are looking to improve your communication skills, both professionally and personally, this is the podcast you should be tuning in to.

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Now let's get communicating with Yahne Sneed, who is a speaker, a life coach, and author of Manifest Your Canvas.

She is here to talk to us about how you can use your painful experiences and find purpose and meaning in them in order to help others.

And before I go any further, please help me welcome her to the show.

Hi, Yahne.

Hello.

Hello.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for being here.

Welcome to the show.

Please introduce yourself.

Yes.

I had a tough childhood.

I had a mom who didn't know how to be a mom, didn't know really how to support me.

My mom emotionally and mentally abused me when I was younger, and that took a lot out of me because I was defeated coming into this world.

I didn't really have a sense of identity or purpose, and I was lost.

I had a huge void inside of me questioning why I'm here, and I was basically confused.

My dad, or I should say my sperm donor, he also mentally, emotionally abused me, and also sexually abused me as well.

That took a lot of toll, not really having the best hand of playing when I was younger.

So I found myself resorting to other things to fill the void or feel like I had a sense of family.

As I got older, I always questioned why I went through the things that I had to go through, because I did not understand.

As I got older, as I was questioning why me, I always felt a sense of purpose.

I did not know what that purpose was, but I always knew not to give up.

Even when I was oppressed, my, something inside of me did not want to quit.

I wanted to stay in bed, but something told me to get up.

And I didn't, like I said, I didn't know what that purpose looked like, but I felt that, and it kept me going throughout high school.

It kept me going throughout college.

When I was in high school, during the time I was transitioning to college, I was in a mentorship program where I was mentoring others.

And what I found out was, there were a moment that I felt belonging when I was mentoring.

And I saw that the collective theme of when I was mentoring was all about helping someone.

I was using my pain, and the things that I've been through and how I overcame them, I was using that to help guide someone else over their adversities.

And that meant a lot to me because as I helped them, I was finding closure with the things that I've been through because I was helping them get through the other side, just as long as as me.

Until eventually when I got to college, I did social work because that's how much I wanted to help others, but it didn't take.

College was very hard for me because I had a lot of negative thoughts that was inside of me.

I had a lot of things that I haven't forgiven and give grace to, and I almost dropped out.

I was filled with depression, anxiety, and a whole load of mental issues.

During that time, I had to face a lot of my demons, talk to my mom about the things that he brought me through, and right now we have an amazing relationship because we talk through our issues.

It took me also with my sperm donor, my dad, it took me seven years to speak up.

There's a lot to unpack here, and I want us to just go step by step with each of the things that you've brought up.

The first one being when you're a child and your parent does something that is painful or says something that is painful to you, because usually parents are the ones that say, you're beautiful, you're this, you're that, you're special, you're gonna conquer the world.

When they do the opposite of that, what goes on in your childlike mind, so to speak?

What story do you tell yourself?

They must be telling the truth.

They should know.

That's how I saw my mom.

You should know.

You're older than me.

You should know what you're talking about.

So the story I tell myself is I am that.

If you have friends at school, do they say their moms treat them the same way?

Do they speak the same way to them as your mom did?

Did they treat them the same way as your dad did?

Or did you realize, wait a minute, when I listen to my friends speak about their parents, that's a very different experience than mine.

The friends that I was around was mixed.

My outside friends' parents spoke to them.

I was a little bit harsher than I was under my mom, or they was not existing at all.

They just didn't care.

The friends I had made in school was different.

They had some moms that actually cared and were supportive, but most of them, their moms or their caretakers didn't care, so we had that in common.

Wow.

You know, for instance, sometimes you hear kids say, my parents are getting divorced.

I'm going to be the only one with divorced parents in my class.

Let's move.

I don't want to be here.

I'm going to be the laughing stock.

So usually good parenting or a loving home is the default.

And then if you have a different experience, you are considered the anomaly, the outlier.

And you say that at the time in your community, that was more the norm.

Yeah.

I was around more of a community of moms or caregivers that didn't really care or that it wasn't really being bothered so much with their child.

And what do you think about yourself when you go through these experiences, especially because it comes from your parents?

For me, my parents used to say loving things to me and my brother.

And then if somebody from outside said something negative, I didn't care so much about their opinion.

What mattered most is that my mom tells me I'm beautiful and she loves me.

You know what I mean?

My dad, the same thing.

And he does this and he does that lovingly.

So if somebody outside says the opposite of what my parents did, because I believe them so much, it didn't stick.

Now, if the opposite happens, if somebody from outside had come to you during that period and say, Yahne, you are beautiful, you are special, you can do amazing things one day, you would have thought what?

I had that, wasn't many.

But when I did have it, I was grateful for it because I felt like you see me other than what everybody else see me.

I feel like you saw me, saw me deep down, because I was a tough kid.

But for those that did try to speak life into me, I felt more connected to them, because this is finally someone who actually sees me for who I am and not the first layer that I was presenting to people.

So now you, as you said, you're a mentor.

Are you seeing yourself on the other side of that equation, which is if you've been through something, I will now speak life into you, just like those few people who did for me at the time.

Yeah, that's what I do to this day.

I'm a life coach in business.

I speak life into them because I know how it feels to have no one speaking to you.

And those that have, I got here because of them.

So if I can do the exact same thing for them, then I'm all for it.

So yeah, we need individuals to feel more supported when it comes to overcoming any adversity.

When your clients come to you and say, Yahne, please be my life coach.

I need help with what comes after the with, usually.

They want to find a purpose, who they are.

Most of the clients that I have have had some trauma or they have a challenge in finding their identity or know what works for them.

So they usually come with me with, I don't know what to do with my life.

I'm feeling stuck and I want to know how I can feel unstuck and that unstuck comes in many different ways.

So I kind of unpack that and we move from there.

When you receive also the negative messaging and go through these traumatic experiences back to the inner voices again, were there things that you thought, that's too good for me?

I don't qualify for this.

This is for special people and I'm not.

Or that world is for other people and not for me.

Did you sometimes have those moments and what was going through your mind when you did?

Yeah, majority of my life, I felt that way.

cause if you're being a tool, nine times out of 10, you're worthless.

And then you have an opportunity that you may can get.

You're not focused on the positive.

You're focused on all the negative naysayers that was in your life.

And that's what happened to me.

I was very external with what I believe of myself.

I position my mindset with they must know.

And they was my elders.

They must know the truth that what my mindset was that I don't think I can do this because of what they said at that time.

I was riding on their coattail when it came to who I am.

cause I didn't know me.

No one helped me to find me.

So I was riding on their coattail with you must know who I am.

There's a lot of opportunities that I missed because I did not believe in myself.

And I don't regret that.

It's just a learning experience to love yourself more than the negative thoughts that are in your head.

I like that borrowing from others until there's a saying, I'm going to paraphrase it, but basically means if you don't have the self-belief yet, borrow in the meantime from someone else who has it for you, who sees you in that light until you come to a point where you see it for yourself.

Was that the case?

Yeah, I tried to fake it till I make it, but I couldn't if I didn't know which way to go.

It took a while after college to try to guide my own self.

And there's a lot of stumbles along the way because I chose not to listen to anyone anymore and really find out who I am.

And when I found out who I am, that's when I started guiding myself to where I needed to be, which was where I'm at right now.

And I prefer that at this moment because you never know who's really on your side.

You know who you are if you really pay attention.

When you say you found out who you were eventually, was that a process?

Is there a class?

Is there a retreat you went to to go find who Yahne is?

How did that pan out?

In college, I was reading something in social work and I got overwhelmed and I wanted to drop out, but I heard a voice and this voice said that, you're doing it.

And I repeated it.

I said, I'm doing it.

And then it kind of have a aha moment.

I was like, I am doing it.

And from that point forward, I started challenging all the negative thoughts I had.

And I realized that most of those negative thoughts didn't come from me.

Most of those negative thoughts came from other individuals.

I just changed it to me because I thought it was true.

But not until I challenged it.

And I started challenging day by day with affirmations to be who I am right now.

It was through grace and forgiveness that I got through to the other side.

because without that, I don't know if I would have been here today.

So it was through those things, affirmations, challenging the negative thoughts, and really putting one foot in front of the other every day to find out who you are.

And everyone is just a human evolving and learning from their experiences and trying to grow from it.

That is absolutely true.

Speaking of challenging your thoughts, like we were saying, it's the story you tell yourself.

When you challenge your thoughts, here's what happens.

It's almost like you become an outside observer.

Your thoughts are within you, yes, but it's almost like you step out and you say, okay, here's what I'm thinking.

Why am I thinking this?

Where did this come from?

Why do I see this this way instead of just thinking, oh, that's just me.

That's my personality.

You know how we say that's my personality.

Leave me alone.

You know, it's so good that you mentioned that if you challenge your thoughts, you start to observe them from an outsider's point of view and question, is this really true?

Is it really true about me or is this where I see myself?

because that's when even the strangers who say, Oh, Yanni, you'll never be anything.

You can challenge that too.

But it starts with challenging your own, because you can recognize those.

And the opposite is true, which is what you mentioned was when they say negative things, because that's how you felt about yourself at the time.

It's almost like it was putting a rubber stamp on it and say, Oh, yeah, I already knew that I'm worthless.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

because that's what you believed first.

Yeah, it took a long time for me to get out of that negative thought process.

And even to today, because we can't be perfect.

So, you know, I'll give myself a grace that there will be moments that I'm gonna have to second guess myself and it might happen naturally.

And I have to catch myself in those moments because it's a work in progress.

Saying that humans are perfect is an oxymoron.

That's not true.

So when those moments come up, I don't get upset with myself.

I just say, OK, I acknowledge it is there.

It sucks.

And you just got to move through that.

You can't get stuck in it.

You can get stuck in it, which then let's drop the F-bomb.

Forgiveness.

You mentioned forgiveness earlier.

So in this story so far, or like let's not talk about the school bullies and everything.

That's a whole other chapter.

That in your family, forgiving your mom for not being the mom you were hoping for, your dad for not being the dad you were hoping for.

But most of all, would you say that you also need a time to forgive yourself?

Yeah, I definitely need a time to forgive myself.

There's still things that comes up in my past now, and I'm like, oh, Yahne, I thought we got over that, but we didn't.

And I have to forgive myself because if I don't, then me waking up the next day is not going to have any benefit for me if I don't forgive myself.

I have to forgive myself, and then the next day, I have to take those steps and walk in a different direction.

And we can't keep walking in circles, you know, and doing the same thing over and over again.

So forgiveness is very important to learning from your mistakes and moving forward and growing from it.

And would you say that if anybody has been through what you've been through, they may sometimes ask, why should I forgive myself?

I'm the victim here.

They need forgiveness.

Yeah, like I said earlier, we always have to find somebody to blame for everything.

And we have to realize that sometimes we can play a role in our life choices.

I tell my clients, the past is not here.

The future will never get here.

You only have right now.

So the next step is your decision.

Ten years ago, the situation happened, but today, which reason are you going to make?

Are you still going to repeat it, or you want to do a different decision?

If you point fingers at everybody, you have three point in that you.

So you have to be careful who you really point in that.

Take a really accountability for your actions.

I was self-sabotaging myself a lot.

So I had to take accountability for some of those things that happened to me.

And when you were self-sabotaging, was it also based on this is how I feel about myself?

This is how I see myself?

So any decision you made at the time was fueled by that, by what you thought about yourself.

So you make different decisions based on how you feel about yourself now.

Yeah, back then, it was how I saw myself.

I felt I wasn't worthy, so why try?

That's kind of how I felt.

I had an I don't care attitude.

I'm just going to do it.

I didn't really want to be here if you catch my dress.

So it was just more why bother trying to even make a decision?

because I was going through so much trauma.

I didn't see the light during that time.

So it was who really cares what happened to me type of mindset I had.

When you go through those experiences at home, even as you get older, do you trust that they might be outside people who care?

Or do you think if they don't care about me at home, we usually have this thing of outside people don't care so much about you, you will find love at home and be satisfied with that.

But if home is not very loving, do you think there could be an external source of doing things differently?

So back then when I had the void, that was a lie I told myself.

That I didn't know was a lie that I didn't have love.

My mom loved me.

Wasn't the way I wanted to.

I had a totally different Disney version of mom's being there.

Wasn't the love that I wanted.

But what I needed, she was doing it for me.

So that was a lot, a lot I told myself.

I had support, I had love.

I was going through a lot of stuff, so I expected different things in different moments.

I told myself a story that wasn't true.

Now, I have a lot of support, a lot of love.

I have two kids.

I have best friends.

I have 15 years who stuck with me through it all.

My mom is still in the picture.

We're stronger.

We're real strong.

I had a lot of love, a lot of friends, those that care about me, my daughters.

So the support system, if I do go down that road of depression or something, I know it's there, just a phone call away or a call right away.

So just putting around yourself, positive energy and also still challenging those negative thoughts, but it may not still be true.

If you still say you're feeling lonely or you don't have nobody there, you do, it's just probably not the way you envisioned it, but we have to take what we have in our environment because the thoughts we have or what we want, we're going to be very disappointed because we're trying to be a ten, then we might just have a five, we'll be grateful for what we have.

And I love that you said, your mom loved you the way she knew how.

because I think a lot of the time, speaking of gratitude, we forget to be grateful because it didn't come packaged the way we would have preferred.

So we don't notice that it is the thing.

It's just that we don't recognize it because, oh, I thought it was going to have a red ball on it.

You know what I mean?

So I'm glad that you recognize that she loved you the way she knew how.

Now please tell us about your book, Manifesting Your Canvas.

Yeah, Manifest Your Canvas on Amazon is all about emotional resilience and mental clarity.

It has a lot of tips and tricks and recommendations that I use in my life today that help me get over any depression or any mental health challenges or anything that you feel like you want to have purpose or identity in, even affirmations to help you get through it.

Easy read, once again, it's called Manifest Your Canvas on Amazon.

Manifest Your Canvas by Yahne Seed on Amazon.

And just a little bit more on your mentorship program.

What age group do you mentor?

So, I was in the mentorship program, but I'm life coach now.

And my life coaching is from high school or up.

I don't really have an age limit.

The only two things that I request is someone who's willing to do the work.

My life coaching business is not therapy session.

It's actually getting you the tools and skills set to build your resilience up to take on life challenges and give you resources to help you overcome your adversities.

I'll walk you through that and I'll help you through that.

I don't have an age limit.

The only thing I ask is whether you want to change your life to be the best version of yourself.

Then I'm your girl.

We get down to that, but you have to want to do the work.

I can take you to the ocean, but I can't have you swim.

So that's my life coaching.

I don't have an age limit.

It just requires you to want to do the work.

And then speaking of resilience, this is a communication related podcast.

How do you communicate internally in order to keep being resilient?

Two to three things.

The first one is being self-aware.

In order to understand you and the world around you and the humans that you interact with, you have to be self-aware.

And the second thing is empathy.

That good old saying, we have to know how it feels to be in another person's shoes.

You can't communicate without trying to find some type of common ground to where that thought process at, because then you are speaking two different languages, although you're speaking the same English language.

You have to start where that person is at.

And the third thing is really giving yourself grace and understanding before even trying to commit to talk to someone else, because you don't know where your mindset at or what you feel that the communication is actually going to lack.

Well, your mindset at the end of the day is your thought process is what you tell yourself.

Your mindset is what determines it all.

Yahne Seed, thank you so much for sharing this time with us, for sharing your very powerful story.

We honor you and thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this with us.

But before you go, please tell us where we can find you online.

Yeah, I have a website, yaneseed.com, yahnesneed.com.

And my social media handles will be RelentlessPhoenix00.

The zero zero is for the daily sign, always beginning, never ending.

I love that.

RelentlessPhoenix.

Yahne Sneed, the live coach, author of Manifest Your Canvas and Speaker.

Thank you very much for being here today.

This has been a very touching and purpose-driven conversation, and we appreciate you for being on our show.

Thank you.

I appreciate you.

My absolute pleasure.

Thank you for joining us on the Speaking on Communicating Podcast once again.

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We encourage you to continue to get communicating, and let us know how communication skills continue to improve your life professionally and personally, and stay tuned for more episodes to come.