Speaking and Communicating Podcast

And after I did this self-reflection, self-awareness, I knew my triggers and my career sword. Welcome back to the Speaking and Communicating podcast. I'm your host Roberta. If you are looking to improve your communication skills, both professionally and personally, this is the podcast you should be tuning into. And by the end of this episode, Please log on to iTunes and Spotify and leave us a rating and a review. Let's get communicating! Now, as we focus on communication skills and how crucial they are for leadership, my guest today, Monique A.J. Smith, has been a leadership strategist for decades. She's here to talk to us about how communication skills feed into leadership, so many other aspects of work and dealing with people. And before I go any further, please help me welcome her to the show. Hi, Monique. Hi, how are you, brother? I'm doing fantastic. How are you doing? I'm doing well. In which part of the U S are you? I'm in Virginia, East Coast. East Coast. Okay. Welcome to the show. Good to have you here. Thanks for having me. Pleasure. So please tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, I am a leadership strategist for the athletic department. and sport organizations and individuals who wish to advance an athletic administration or sports business. And how long have you been doing this? I've been doing this full-time as an entrepreneur for the last 10 years. I've been a consultant for over 20-something years, 30 years in athletic administration. I began as a sports information director. So that's like the PR people for college sports. And then I became an athletic director at 28 years old. And I'm 55 now, so I've got some great experiences to be able to help with my clients. You look so much younger. Oh, well thank you. And how to navigate this leadership world. And to be very honest with you, I've had a podcast for the last nine years called A Chat in the Garden, where I interview African-American women in athletic administration, because I was one of the first. So my goal is to make sure that there's never any more first or any more not last. I like that. So if you were one of the first, what got you interested in athletic administration? I do like to say this. People gravitate to people, not the titles. They gravitate to people get things done. So people gravitated to me because I got things done. In high school, in eighth grade, I began keeping basketball scores. My junior and my senior year, I began becoming an officer within the Student Government Association. So knowing that community is developed through sports, I had a real good way of intertwining that. So I majored in public relations in college, and my first internship, my sophomore year in school, was a PR for the CIAA, which is athletic conference. And I knew how to write stories, because that's how you get people interested, human interest stories. I was the only one, very few women to be able to do that, but... My whole point was I knew sports would build community. Because in my small town, everybody did something in sports, and every Friday night, they went to football game or the basketball game. Build community. So you said you were keeping score when you were still in school, but how did you know that this is something you can turn into a long career? I didn't. Again, I majored in PR, so my thing was about promotions. I actually did internships. a BET, my local CBS station, you know, and promotions and how to gain my community. It just so happens that became an opening because again, the title was a PR intern. It just happened to be in athletics. And because I had a background in sports, as it relates to being an administrator, promoting, I was like, okay, I'll do it. Well, it was four of us. I was the only woman, the rest of them were three guys. I saw what the career of sports information did. And so I liked the fact that promoting, I'd rather be on the promoting side than on the media side. And it was interesting enough because I was torn between three areas. I was gonna be a PR person for a college in Mississippi, a producer for a local television station and promotions or SID, sports information directors. I saw that I had the most support from all 12 institutions that as a student was working the national championship for division two track and field at Hampton University in my junior, my senior year. And they had me over the press box. I was doing credentials. Again, people gravitate to people get things done. About me getting things done since a young age, I was given more responsibilities. So you displayed those leadership qualities early and before the title. which is one thing we always emphasize. Absolutely, absolutely. How does anybody listening, if they're just an employee or think, oh, I'm just a junior, I'm not a leader and it's not required of me to display leadership skills and showcase my talent in that fashion. I must just do my job. Well, I'm here to tell you that if you only gonna do what's on your job description, You're going to be pigeonholed and somebody's going to surpass you. People look for people who are take initiative. I teach on a college campus now and I say, people are looking for people who, who are closed the gap. You know, what can you see that I don't see that you can assist me with? And then the people would never want you to leave their side again. That's basically what I did 30 some years ago. And that's definitely what I tell my students and my clients. If you become that person, people can rely on. When you do what no one else wants to do, you are making a way for yourself. That's how you stand out. And like you said, you can be relied on. Absolutely. What's the job of an athletic administrator? What is it that you do on a daily basis for those of us who might not know exactly what that entails? Well, to be real basic, it is to listen to the coaches. to let them communicate, this is key, communicate what their needs are and attempt to get those needs met. Now I tell coaches all the time, if you can't communicate what your needs are, you can't get upset with administration not being able to supply that. So there has to be some type of communication up the line. Controlling the budget, because that's one of the things that helps get the resources. Hire coaches, again, the coaches, recruit the student athletes. You know, people want to win, but it takes resources to win. And one of those resources is hiring good people. I tell all my clients, if you want to be an athletic director, you need to have your short list at all times of who do you want to be on your team. Clear communication. Why do we struggle with that so much? Not just at work, but even in person. whether it's our expectation, whether it's what we want. Like you said, the coaches must clearly communicate what they want because then they're frustrated if they don't get it. What is it that we find so challenging and clearly communicating? Well, all of us have, this is a pitfall. That's why self-awareness is really key because you think that you're communicating and when you get the feedback that you're not, that's when you need to course correct yourself. Because most of the things that are happening are in our head. It takes time to slow down to communicate that out. And even if people say your tone is bad, you know, you're not hearing me, again, as a leader of fast pace, one of my blind spots is listening. Because I want to get my thoughts out, I want to get where we're going. And that's one of the ones I constantly have to renew in my activity is listening. Anybody's in sales that they will tell you that's the key to selling is not talking and listening and be able to provide Session to the pain points That a person has they want tickets to athletic events But they want to sit at blank Whatever it is. Did you hear them say they wanted to sit at a certain place? Or were you just so fast to try and get their sale? Listening. That's why they say you have two ears and one mouth using proportion. So if we are listening, so does that mean we can then respond and communicate clearly compared to before? Does it help us? Well, the problem is most of the time when we're talking to someone, we're ready for our response. We're just waiting for some data to get in. But be like me and I just cut across people I don't mean to. It's just that I get so excited. I want to be able to get it across. So again, all leaders have some flaws. I already know what mine is. And so I had to remind myself to write down my comments so that I can be present when the person is talking to me. It's when we become comfortable with people that we do let those flaws hang out. When we don't know someone, we're really on our piece and cubes. And so. It's the responding part. The timing of responding has a lot to do with the effectiveness of communication. In self-awareness, do we do a Google exercise and find out exactly who we are? Do we listen to those closest to us, to reflect aspect to us? What is it that we can do to increase our level of self-awareness? I would say invest in assessment. You know, one of the ones I use with my clients is a diss assessment. It talks about how you communicate, how to assess others, how they communicate, and then how to flex. And that meaning some people process information slower, but those who process information faster become irritated because they think the person is aloof, not paying attention, not showing the line. is taking it in, playing it over in their head. But the person who's a dominant communicator doesn't try to get a yes or no from somebody. Everything is fast, we have the things done. That becomes an irritation when a person processes slower. So recognizing the most important thing is to be heard. The fast paced person has to slow down. So the person who is slow processing. can get it. So one of the things I like to do is can you repeat back to me what I said because I'm a fast person. So to make sure a person got it, I said repeat back to me, you know, what I said. So that you are on the same wavelength and they interpreted exactly the way you had intended. If you are a leader and there's conflict, what are some of the best ways to handle conflict when dealing with? be it coaches, be it those you work with? Well, dealing with conflict is to, again, assess yourself. There's another activity that I do called gung ho with staff members. And one of them, gung ho is about the way of the squirrel, way of the beaver and the way of the geeks. So the way of the beaver is what I wanna concentrate on to answer this question. So when beavers build a dam, They have all types of instruments, you know, twigs, mud, all that kind of good stuff. As a leader, you want to be able to give people autonomy. So like from an athletic director, you want to be able to tell a coach, we want you to win and, you know, your contract will be based on the number of wins that you get, how far you advance. Okay? Well, the problem will be, is that communicated, because again, you're talking to a whole department. So what if the head coach gives the assistant coach something to do? but doesn't tell them the whole picture. Did you communicate the entire piece? So I use something so simple as, we wanna have a football drill at night. And so you tell the assistant coach, cut the lights on. Well, the assistant coach has heard constantly how we need to save money. He thinks that we're gonna stay on the 50 yard line. So it isn't cut all the lights on. He just cuts on lights on the 50 yard line. However, The head coach had a thought process of putting people in different corners to do the different drills, but he didn't communicate all of that. So when he comes out there, he's laying the coach out. He told me to cut the lights on. He didn't tell me where to cut the lights on. It's that interpretation of you're supposed to know that, but you didn't communicate that. People got to have ownership of how they're delivering it. So do they expect you to have psychic powers by not communicating the rest of the picture or is this thing of making assumptions? Because sometimes leaders are accused of making assumptions instead of asking the dumb question. Okay, it's another tool that I use. I tell you this works wonders. It's called the Four Agreements. And I have an assessment to be able to tell which area you need to concentrate on. And one of the four agreements is don't make assumptions. And how you don't make assumptions? You ask questions. You ask more questions. So one of the things I tell people all the time is if you're not understanding what your supervisor is asking you to do, it doesn't make sense to you. Don't say, it doesn't make sense to me, explain. Say, can you share how you came to that conclusion? Can you share your thought process with me? Okay? Because the other one isn't an attack. The other one is requesting learning. Languages. Languaging, phrasing it in the way that it's gonna be interpreted a certain way. Even though it's the exact same thing in both cases. Exactly. You wanna disarm people. It's funny you say that because I have individuals who are in demisative coaching and we play back a scenario that they're trying to work out. And I said, well, you gotta have ownership of what you said. the person was feeding off of you. I said, now you have different experiences than this other person. You seem like you're challenging them as you did ask what experiences they had that led them to that conclusion. And then maybe when you share your experiences you can come together and make a great experience for someone else. It's the experience especially because that's what feeds the lens through which you look at a situation and interpret what others are saying. Yeah, that's what when you do diversity training, the first thing we do is a diversity circle. And my question is, when is the first time you knew you were different? When you realize when the first time somebody knew they were different, it explains their response to when they're in an uncomfortable position and feel like they're being different and not being included. I had a young man who said very early on, he always felt misunderstood. He was like the biggest boy in the class when he was a kid. I don't know if you realize this, but back in the sixties, school districts got money based on the number of students that were labeled as have a learned disability. And so if you were poor community, you're going to put as many people as you can. To get more money? Yeah. And so young black men have been labeled in an area where they might not talk. It's have a learned disability, especially in the case. It depends upon, again, their experiences. Back in those days, they always say, you know, you were a kid speaking and spoken to, you just don't speak just to be talking. Whereas other kids have been more joyful and whatnot, they think that being slow. Again, how you communicate. You know, someone like, did you say anything to me directly? Did you call on me? Did you wait for me to put my hand up or did you just call on me? Did you look me in the eye when we were speaking or were you being shy and looking down? because that's also interpreted differently, especially with children. Right, right. So it's about, again, cultural competencies as it relates to individuals with communicating as it relates to diversity. I had a young man that was from Philippines and he could not understand the conversation about the Confederate flag and why there was such a visible distaste for with some of our other students. He didn't understand why it's such a hot topic. Because yeah, his background obviously had him exposed into that. Yeah, he didn't have any rest history. Yes, so it's all from the experiences. And then what about emotional intelligence? Oh yeah. Is that something that when you become a leader, you need to be coached on? Does it come naturally to you? I believe everyone should invest in some type of executive coaching, especially if you're going to be a leader, because you can't see your blind spots. And I've been blessed to have athletic directors work with me in light of how I led them and had me work with their coaches and they paid for it for me to work with their coaches and emotional intelligence is one of the pieces out the four is self awareness. Sometimes you can't get aware without having some assistance. And that's what I do as an executive coach to be able to understand. And one of the things that's come of a new trend. is being authentic, all right? I wanna be myself. One of my clients, she did a whole spiel on emotional intelligence by being an athletic director and she says, you don't have to get all of me all at one time. I'm gonna still be me. I'm just gonna give you all of me all at one time. People gotta be able to get doses of that, you know? Because it's a learning process. Which means... the more that I expose myself to you, am I checking along the way to see how you respond to me? You gotta build trust, you know. It's like, do you give somebody the fire hose or do you give them a drip? I mean, it depends on the setting, you know. If you're trying to lead folks and you want people to build trust with you first, they become like, okay, she's all right because she did blank and she did, did blank and did, did blank. And then they're not really looking at what you look like, you're looking at what you do. And how safe they feel in your presence. Yeah, and the more that you share, the more that they will share. And then you can really be in terms of what's the best way to supply you the resources that you need. Most high-powered leaders, let's be honest, high achievers looks depressionally different. So a person who is a high achiever will stay so busy so they don't have to address or. slow down to deal with whatever is the problem. And by me having this happen to me early in my career, I'm able to recognize that and be able to say, you need to slow down, such as you can't find your keys every time this time to go. No, you know, your budget at work is tight, but you forget to pay your bills at home. You constantly stay on the go because you really just don't feel comfortable about being by yourself at home because you don't have personal life. And just sitting and just being without all the, I got to do this, I got to train, I got to do this, I got to coach, just being, you know, when they say being the present. That's difficult, especially when you have a lot of people who are dependent upon you. Another thing that has to be done is you got to delegate and you got to let go of perfection, which goes to the other four agreements. Always do your best. People who have the part about being perfectionist. they don't want to delegate and then they're way down, they're overwhelmed. The only way that you can be lifted up is to pass on. To pass on, you gotta build trust with people and you can't be upset they don't do it the same way that you would do it. Is it a myth perfectionism or is it a real thing? You can't reach perfection. It's impossible. That finish line moves. Cause each time you do something, there is an improvement that happens or something learning happens. You'll never reach perfection. You can reach for excellence, but you can't reach for perfection. Excellence rather than perfection. So Monique, you are the host of Chat in the Garden podcast. Please tell us a little bit more about it. I began nine years ago, interviewing black women in athletic directors position. It was twofold. One was to be a billboard for others who want. to be an athletic administrator, what does it take? It's a career podcast. And then secondly, and more importantly, what's to highlight the women in these positions? Because I heard people would have grants to hire women of color, and they would say they don't know where they are. I said, okay, I'm gonna fix that. Nine years time, how many weeks in year 52? But I got a whole vault where whatever you're looking for, you can pull from. And so it became a twofold. And so I say, well, significance blooms. It's more like a call that you are significant wherever you are. Even if you don't feel like others appreciate you, in the garden, you are blooming, you're a blooming leader. Please say that again, that's so beautiful. Thank you. So, where significance blooms in athletics and sports, in the garden, you are a blooming leader. And you can bloom wherever you are. It doesn't mean you need a title. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Again, it's about experiences. You determine why a person responds the way they do based on their experiences in life. And so when you share that, you build trust. Back to that point about trust. So are you the one that opens the door first and they show you a little bit of their authenticity? Who goes first in order to start building this trust? Well, it's a two-fold. I've been using another book. of John Maxwell is called the leader's greatest return. And he mentions, you know, if you're having a meeting, he says to cast a vision first, listen to your tribe. Listen to the individuals at the table first. Because again, what will happen is you get conformity. That the people who wanna be like, they wanna be yes people to you, are going to agree with you, even if they don't agree with you. But if you let them talk first, then you may see who are truly on the team and who can you be able to utilize to delegate. Because again, I told you delegation is key. Yeah. And when you know they are honest thoughts, which they are willing to share if you don't lay out the agenda first. Right, there you go. You can then, yes, drive the vision forward because I think a lot of time when they agree, they think, I don't wanna disagree and jeopardize my job. Right. And listen, 2023 and beyond, it's the disruptive leader that's gonna win. Can you say Netflix? Can you say Uber? The person has to feel comfortable to come out with this out of the box disruptive thought process. And so you have to set that culture, that piece. The disruptive leader. Do you have anything that you wanted to share today with our listeners that I may have not asked you yet? Well, I will share this. If the high achiever leader resonated with you, I really would suggest that you check out my chapter in a book where I talk about how I didn't recognize and how I hit a wall literally and figuratively. And then when I recognized it and I got assistance that I think all leaders should have therapy because you don't know your blind spots. I mean, invest in something, but again, if you do the therapist, you probably have that in your insurance. And that would be someone that can help you be able to guide your team in a way that you can't see. And so I wrote a chapter called publicfiguremass.com is where you get it. But it talks about how more importantly, because if you tell my leaders, you can go straight up the mountain and be up there all by yourself. I really suggest that you spiral up the mountain to experience all four seasons of your life. And I talk about all of that in Public Figure Mass. So www.publicfiguremass.com, it covers my athletic administrative journey. And after I did this self-reflection, self-awareness, I knew my triggers and my career soared. Know your triggers and your career will soar. Words of wisdom from Monique A.J. Smith, the leadership strategist. Thank you so much for being on our show today. But before you go, please give us your other websites in addition to the one that you just mentioned about the book. Oh, okay. Well, I like to talk on LinkedIn. So find me Monique A.J. Smith. My website is www.seasonempowerment.info. where I can schedule for workshops, one-on-one executive coaching. Seeds of Empowerment, Monique A. J. Smith. Thank you so much for being on our show today. I enjoyed having this conversation with you. Thank you so much, Roberta. My pleasure. Don't forget to subscribe, leave a rating, and a review on iTunes and Spotify, and stay tuned for more episodes to come.